STEP 1: identify the problem (a.k.a. the day when nothing turned out right)

This post will interrupt the theme that's been going on in my blog. However, when I do find the time, today's entry will eventually file into the sequence of daily photos that I've been using to keep track of the things going on around me. For now, I am going to forget the fact that this somehow doesn't tie in with everything else. I am simply going to ignore the obtrusion because THIS HAS TO BE WRITTEN TONIGHT.

I am running out of excuses to myself as to why I am so insistent in staying under the tutelage of my boss. I feel like an unruly senior class man - eager to blast out of school into the real world after four years of repeatedly doing the same thing over and over again whilst staying put in the same spot. Even after developing a steady hand and a keen eye, perfecting my craft, putting in an extra hour of work each day without any extra compensation, I am dumbfounded as to why I am being treated like a fucking idiot who doesn't know what the fuck it is I'm doing. I keep telling myself that it would be a stupid thing to do to swing from vine to vine during these tricky economic times, but even that fact doesn't seem to frighten me anymore. My patience is wearing off with each and every single "non-constructive" attack that my superior throws my way every dinner service. When the company decided to cut back on staff, the hot line guys didn't suffer as much... Instead, my boss decided to cut back on garde manger, leaving me to cover all loose ends - a task that I haven't been complaining much about, but when push comes to shove and it all boils down to my boss nitpicking on the best job that I could possibly crank out of myself, oh God help me... this is where I draw the fucking line.

I wonder if he knows how smoothly the operation runs (and how happy everybody is) when he is not in the kitchen. I wonder if he knows if he's being such a big burden to everyone instead of leading his team to success. I come from a school of thinking that everyone should set the other up to be successful, but somehow, I do not feel this happening with my "mentor". It is heartbreaking for me to have spent four agonizing years in this kitchen while not being able to learn anything new. I have done nothing but bullshit along the way, and I'm a little ashamed to admit that I have now become the person that I never dreamed of becoming... Everyday at 3 PM, I put on that chef's jacket and the minute that crisp white collar hits the back of my neck, I shut out my life and every ounce of creativity that I stand for. Even if I know I absolutely dislike my job, I am stuck in this rut all because the job pays me well... But I feel that the time is actually coming - when the money is not going to be enough to keep my mouth shut from screaming. If I do not do anything about this, I will walk out. I feel it.

Every single day, I get into that kitchen and work my ass off without any validation whatsoever. Of all my bosses, this guy is the only one who isn't a fan of my work. I am no longer surprised why I am trying to get out of the business. It is because of this fear I have that all the other culinary jobs would be just like this. Now wouldn't that be an unfathomable picture of career hell?

Somewhere inside of me, in my place of Zen (I can only reach this quitetude during my yoga practice), I know that I am still in love with food and everything in between. I am crossing my fingers that I will never forget how this passionate love affair began in spite of how vacant I feel when I am at work.

Chef, I do not enjoy working for you anymore... it's been a long time since I last felt happy in your company. And please do not tell me that mashed potatoes don't take pepper in them. It makes you look like you don't know what you're saying.

I guess the resolution to this entry will probably wait until I get back from Manila. I have many things sitting on my mind right now, and on top of that list is meeting my new niece, Hailey. For now, I am shoving my dissatisfaction aside for better and more important things.

i see the light.

It's been a long week of pleading that I get my time off in April, and today I finally got the green light to book my trip. Many thanks to Mr. Jack Bruning who painstakingly made the schedules in advance to see whether I could be spared from work during that month. I owe this guy bundles and bundles of souvenirs from my travels.

I am relieved that I found a decently priced flight to Manila on the dates I am scheduled off. Instead of coming out of Las Vegas, I will be headed to SFO (my hometown) to fly out of their airport. Does anyone want me to send regards to some people that we've left behind in the city?

what is it really?

Thumbs up or thumbs down? I have less than 13 days before I would like to take a leave to go out of the country to do some business and some much needed R&R, but I can't seem to get a straight answer out of my superiors. I haven't booked a flight yet, and I bet it's going to cost me an arm and a leg to book at the 99th hour.

NEED TO GO. :(

The Tower

Okay... So it's posting time. Sadly, my thoughts didn't come together as I hoped it would. Here's my piece, The Tower (which is named after the Tarot Card that Kari pulled up for me in that phone call I recorded). I pulled this one out of my back pocket, and although it's a bit lackluster in terms of the theme, I'm happy I was able to make something out of randomness. I guess I am finally on top of this artmaking horse. Wahey!

Also, can someone tell me why my internet connection bogs down whenever I am scheduled to post? This has happened to me more than thrice! This technical bug is giving me a headache and a half. Need to find plausible solutions soon.

Talk to Her

Been indulgent on watching my favorite subtitled movies. I busted out a Pedro Almodovar marathon and watching his movies made me want to pack my life up and move to Spain. There's something about that place, I tell ya... maybe I'll live there one day... soon.

I'm planning to use one of Almodovar's characters (Alicia Ronceros) in my upcoming P7D post. In Talk to Her, she is a girl who's been ina coma for four years... The film's synopsis was terribly right when it said that of all the characters, hers is the least developed and I feel like there is much more to say about her persona outside of the movie. In an attempt to link her state to TEMPERANCE (which is my assigned theme), I'm going to try hard to do some character development tonight.

48 hours and nothing solid yet. Will my thoughts gel in time?

little red

I made it a point to pick this little thingy up for my birthday. I always seem to have a hard time during pre-production and composing music because ideas seem to hit me at such inopportune times. By the time I get to sit down and open my ProTools, all the little hooks and choruses in my head would have gone away as I try to remember how the tunes go. It's a vicious cycle - one that has kept me stuck on not being to write music prolifically. With the help of this digital recording device, I'll hopefully be able to capture my ideas whenever they come.

I'll be using this gadget for my upcoming post on P7D. I recorded a phone conversation that Kari and I had and I'm planning to hack up the words into little audio tidbits. Wish me luck! I have less than 72 hours to make art out of nothing.

BINGO!

Today was the only day I could get some "ME" time... After kicking back, Kelly calls me to tell me she'll be returning home from Florida because her project's been cancelled. I told her that I woke up with an urge to play BINGO, and so we went after her flight touched down.

Guess who actually had to shout BINGO and steal candy from them senior citizens on a Monday night? ;)

Pop rocks, gatorade, and REAL D.

This is me fooling around the candy aisle at the corner gas station. Kelly and I decided to make something out of Sunday and headed out to do random things such as buy POP ROCKS and chew on them while drinking Gatorade and driving (how out there is that?!?). Then we wrapped things up by watching Coraline in 3D. Goddamn! Neil Gaiman is the bomb!

Happy Birthday to ME.

Here's the highlight of my day. I had brunch with the fam bam (Kelly and Mum) before going to work. In light of my recent fitness program, mum decided to get me a carrot cake for my birthday. Teehee!

Later on, Kelly would be celebrating my birthday without me. I gave her the license to do so because I was too tired to do anything over spectacular after service on Saturday night.

eleven things i hate about you.

When Michelangelo started making the masterpiece - David, out of the giant slab of marble, he already saw David inside. All he had to do was chip away the pieces that weren't David.


We'll call it a pre-birthday ritual for the absolute lack of a concrete term for it. I read this somewhere... it's an exercise which requires that you write down ten things you'd like to change in yourself for the coming year (in my case, I had eleven sheets of paper so I had an extra bad habit to burn). After having written down your resolutions, you take it to the fire, and then they are gone forever.

I did this tonight... on the eve of my natal day. I could not think of a better way to start off my 28th year other than to make resolutions and pray that I keep them. For self-improvement? Nah! Not neccessarily so.... For me, it's an effort to bring more quality into my life - the kind that I've always wanted and longed for.

Throughout the year, I most probably will be looking back into this page to review my progress because this 'ere post is one of my time capsules. It's the fork in the road I tread in which I have to choose which way I would like to go. What we are is shaped and governed by the choices that we make, I believe... I'm not concerned whether I veer towards wrong or right. What I am concerned about is going for the more interesting choice - the road less travelled.

And so, if you will ask me if my birthday started out great... the answer would undoubtedly be "YES". Yes, because I was enveloped by the smell of incense from the pine cones residing in my fire bowl and also because I am finally free from my personal sins from last year.

the underlying reasons.

Why did I dye my hair blue? Well, for starters, I was getting a kick ass haircut with a new stylist, and she and I both got excited at the prospect of funktifying the 'do. And so the rest is history. (Or so, you all think!).

If I can bear this and grin at the same time, maybe... just maybe, I'll be ready to get a tatt soon. I'm really using the hair as a springboard for higher purposes. *wink*

deadly indigo

See that awful purple stripe on my cheek? That's the blue dye leaching out of my head onto my face.

Note to self: Try not to work out after you have your hair done.

A spanking good movie with a spanking good soundtrack.

Following my urge to listen to Colorblind by the Counting Crows, I impart these winning lines from that specific scene in this movie:

"I'm impressed.".

"Well, I'm in love.".

the mathematics of awesome shoes.

2 pairs for $35 = impulse buying at its best.

switch that lightbulb on.

A co-worker gave this to me...

...but my boss thinks I don't need it.