This post will interrupt the theme that's been going on in my blog. However, when I do find the time, today's entry will eventually file into the sequence of daily photos that I've been using to keep track of the things going on around me. For now, I am going to forget the fact that this somehow doesn't tie in with everything else. I am simply going to ignore the obtrusion because THIS HAS TO BE WRITTEN TONIGHT.
I am running out of excuses to myself as to why I am so insistent in staying under the tutelage of my boss. I feel like an unruly senior class man - eager to blast out of school into the real world after four years of repeatedly doing the same thing over and over again whilst staying put in the same spot. Even after developing a steady hand and a keen eye, perfecting my craft, putting in an extra hour of work each day without any extra compensation, I am dumbfounded as to why I am being treated like a fucking idiot who doesn't know what the fuck it is I'm doing. I keep telling myself that it would be a stupid thing to do to swing from vine to vine during these tricky economic times, but even that fact doesn't seem to frighten me anymore. My patience is wearing off with each and every single "non-constructive" attack that my superior throws my way every dinner service. When the company decided to cut back on staff, the hot line guys didn't suffer as much... Instead, my boss decided to cut back on garde manger, leaving me to cover all loose ends - a task that I haven't been complaining much about, but when push comes to shove and it all boils down to my boss nitpicking on the best job that I could possibly crank out of myself, oh God help me... this is where I draw the fucking line.
I wonder if he knows how smoothly the operation runs (and how happy everybody is) when he is not in the kitchen. I wonder if he knows if he's being such a big burden to everyone instead of leading his team to success. I come from a school of thinking that everyone should set the other up to be successful, but somehow, I do not feel this happening with my "mentor". It is heartbreaking for me to have spent four agonizing years in this kitchen while not being able to learn anything new. I have done nothing but bullshit along the way, and I'm a little ashamed to admit that I have now become the person that I never dreamed of becoming... Everyday at 3 PM, I put on that chef's jacket and the minute that crisp white collar hits the back of my neck, I shut out my life and every ounce of creativity that I stand for. Even if I know I absolutely dislike my job, I am stuck in this rut all because the job pays me well... But I feel that the time is actually coming - when the money is not going to be enough to keep my mouth shut from screaming. If I do not do anything about this, I will walk out. I feel it.
Every single day, I get into that kitchen and work my ass off without any validation whatsoever. Of all my bosses, this guy is the only one who isn't a fan of my work. I am no longer surprised why I am trying to get out of the business. It is because of this fear I have that all the other culinary jobs would be just like this. Now wouldn't that be an unfathomable picture of career hell?
Somewhere inside of me, in my place of Zen (I can only reach this quitetude during my yoga practice), I know that I am still in love with food and everything in between. I am crossing my fingers that I will never forget how this passionate love affair began in spite of how vacant I feel when I am at work.
Chef, I do not enjoy working for you anymore... it's been a long time since I last felt happy in your company. And please do not tell me that mashed potatoes don't take pepper in them. It makes you look like you don't know what you're saying.
I guess the resolution to this entry will probably wait until I get back from Manila. I have many things sitting on my mind right now, and on top of that list is meeting my new niece, Hailey. For now, I am shoving my dissatisfaction aside for better and more important things.
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