Something that *nearly* brought me to tears.

I was having one of those days... This morning, I woke up pretty frazzled and disconnected from the rest of the world. I tried to call up my friends, but none of them were picking up (it being a Monday and all...). I couldn't seem to find a way to calm myself down. I felt like I wanted to knock someone's teeth out over the smallest things. Fact of the matter is, I can't even pinpoint what it was that was bothering me.

The strange course of the day led me to expending my energy in washing both of the cars parked in the garage. That, plus I managed to get some writing for my film class in (that was before the clunk-clunk-clunk noise from the washer started to annoy me). It was rough. It felt like the Persian war was going on in my head. The mind static was overwhelming, too overwhelming in fact, that I couldn't clearly convey my thoughts to whomever I was speaking to. Anything that came out of me today could be characterized as "choppy" and disjointed.

I chanted twice and I nodded off during its' course. I found that there were a hundred thousand thoughts swimming in my head, each going off in a different tangent but still spelling out one common thought: there is something wrong with you.

I could not find peace within myself today, and it frightens me to feel helpless.

Is there something wrong with me?

I recognize the fact that I have been unavailable to 'most anything recently. When I wake up, I run with all my might to get the demands of the day under control. Such is the story for the most of us, but the things that I've been doing lately directly affect my future. I feel sad that I won't be able to just get up and leave Las Vegas to celebrate Kari's birthday. I feel equally sad that I won't be able to spend time with my family who are visiting from Manila during Halloween. I feel sad to say that right now, the world must turn without me because my hands are tied and my plate is full. Know this though... the minutes that I have left from my schedule, I cannot even spend on myself. And I promise that if I make it through 'til December, I will take a few weeks off to exercise my God given right to be a normal human being who is capable of spending an afternoon doing absolutely nothing.

Whatever it takes, I have to finish strong this year. I require nothing less than that. It's been an amazing run so far, and although I am nearly out of breath, I am thankful for how the pieces which were once unintelligible beautifully fell into place.

Here is yet another email from my film professor. This is his reply to my Million Dollar Baby commentary:

Oh Louiie,

You get this about as well as anyone can. You see the artistry because you are capable of artistry yourself. Thank you for getting it! It just takes one student to really put it together on paper for me to feel adequate in leading the whole group (even after years of teaching that I sometimes wonder if students are "getting it". In each paragraph I see you gathering Ebert's depth of thought and in doing so making it your own. Bravo!

20/20 or 100/100 mean little to me compared to the abilities you should be able to soon apply to write your own reviews that may equal or better Ebert's. It can be done. I also look forward to reading your final career list.

Erik

Once upon a time, my mom told me that I was a good writer. But like a bad child, I ignored her. I ignored her because I couldn't recognize what was within me. Actually, it scares me a huge deal to see that other people see it too.

They see something that I cannot see when I look at myself. I shake my head, "Such a pity.".

Is there something wrong with me?

Because I actually forgot that I was interesting...

Midterms. So much has gone by, yet I cannot believe that I am halfway through the semester. It feels like just yesterday I was having episodes of freshman jitters as I drove up to the campus on the first day of school.

While the academic calendar may not apply to YOU (READER), can you agree with me that Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas is just right around the corner? And, if 2009 was embodied as a creature, it would be a friggin' gazelle being chased on the plains by a pack of lions on red bull.

Midterms already. Can you believe it?

They say time flies when you're having fun. It's like that Madonna ditty, Hung Up - "time goes by so slowly for those who wait... those who run seem to have all the fun... lalalalalala.". I know everyone on this side of the hemisphere is always running, as a matter of fact. But is anyone actually having fun? I don't know. Personally, I bitch, moan and complain a lot when I lose sleep over the things I have to do. I mean it's work, school, and other things now, not just school and party. It's a different ball game. Why I didn't take my classes seriously when I was being supported by my parentals is a bafflement to me now. If I could access the younger version of myself, I would slap me silly, "What the F are you doing?!?".

But hey, things become better with age. Juice turns into wine through fermentation. And I guess, over the years, I too have "fermented" (pun intended) in many different ways. I now enjoy bantering with my professors. The subject matter becomes secondary to the learning experience. And now, I know for sure that whatever it is that is handed to me, I can pick up. I don't really have feelings of failing in school because I AUTOMATICALLY TRY.

Wow... I am O-L-D-E-R.

That being established, I actually forgot that I am a being of many comments and opinions. This page alone is a testament to that! (Now go figure how my film commentaries are). I guess people tend to forget things about themselves when they are not maximizing their brain activity (as was I earlier this year). And no, BIG BRAIN ACADEMY ON THE Wii DOESN'T POSE A CONSIDERABLE SOLUTION EITHER.

I am sitting here, having a ball of a good time proofreading this entry despite the many things I still have to do before I turn in. I am freaking lunatic, and it feels really good to laugh at and laud myself at the same time.

~~~~~~~

An email from my film studies professor:

Louiie. Thank you. It is so gratifying to see that someone gets it. You can't imagine how many don't get what I am trying to do. I hope that the other students will be where you are at the end of the week. There is really not much more for me to add. Keep it up. 40/40.

I will say this though -- if you pay attention, turn your work in on time and are interesting, with the right preparation, the right circumstances and some luck you have a shot at making it in Hollywood. You would be surprised how many people fail at those first three elements that you naturally now have.

Also, to answer your question, the next two will be due by Friday night at midnight. The last one will likely be due Sunday night. The final review summary list will be on MILLION DOLLAR BABY. I am about to post it right now on the d board. I look forward to your next three lists!

Nailed that thing! (My 1 minute and 27 seconds of fame)

A lot of people might be surprised that I'm taking an acting class this fall. Well... it really isn't my field of expertise personally, but I'm willing to walk on all avenues that will lead me to experience new things. Over the last three weeks I've worked really hard on bringing out the character in my little 2 minute monologue. Mine was a bit dramatic. It involved a lot of frustration and anger, unlike the more comical pieces that my classmates were assigned. Not that I lost any sleep over it, don't get me wrong. But I worked on it. I even went so far as to filming myself to see what it would look like from an audience's point of view.

Last night, I stood up in front of my class and rocked it. I'm sure some of you will agree that there is an insurmountable amount of power when you connect with your audience. There's something about looking all these people in the eye without breaking your character. Suddenly you're up there and doing your own thing.

...And it's EASY AS PIE.

I guess the lesson learned here is that when you put yourself into something that you do, it will pay off.

Pacing.

Fall is finally here.

The last quarter of 2009 is whizzing by, ferocious like a top hurled by the world's greatest strongman. I cannot stop the spin of it all. But I do quite like how everything is a mad blur. Everyday, I turn on the lights and I run.

On some days there is a destination. On some days, there isn't one...

Life feels like a parade of many faces. My eyes are always hungry for all that I have yet to see.

At 3:00 AM, I lay my head down. I've survived another day. Another 24 beautiful hours have been eclipsed by the hands of the clock on the wall to my left.

It's that frantic dance, day after day, that makes me feel more alive than I have ever been in a long time.