Something that *nearly* brought me to tears.

I was having one of those days... This morning, I woke up pretty frazzled and disconnected from the rest of the world. I tried to call up my friends, but none of them were picking up (it being a Monday and all...). I couldn't seem to find a way to calm myself down. I felt like I wanted to knock someone's teeth out over the smallest things. Fact of the matter is, I can't even pinpoint what it was that was bothering me.

The strange course of the day led me to expending my energy in washing both of the cars parked in the garage. That, plus I managed to get some writing for my film class in (that was before the clunk-clunk-clunk noise from the washer started to annoy me). It was rough. It felt like the Persian war was going on in my head. The mind static was overwhelming, too overwhelming in fact, that I couldn't clearly convey my thoughts to whomever I was speaking to. Anything that came out of me today could be characterized as "choppy" and disjointed.

I chanted twice and I nodded off during its' course. I found that there were a hundred thousand thoughts swimming in my head, each going off in a different tangent but still spelling out one common thought: there is something wrong with you.

I could not find peace within myself today, and it frightens me to feel helpless.

Is there something wrong with me?

I recognize the fact that I have been unavailable to 'most anything recently. When I wake up, I run with all my might to get the demands of the day under control. Such is the story for the most of us, but the things that I've been doing lately directly affect my future. I feel sad that I won't be able to just get up and leave Las Vegas to celebrate Kari's birthday. I feel equally sad that I won't be able to spend time with my family who are visiting from Manila during Halloween. I feel sad to say that right now, the world must turn without me because my hands are tied and my plate is full. Know this though... the minutes that I have left from my schedule, I cannot even spend on myself. And I promise that if I make it through 'til December, I will take a few weeks off to exercise my God given right to be a normal human being who is capable of spending an afternoon doing absolutely nothing.

Whatever it takes, I have to finish strong this year. I require nothing less than that. It's been an amazing run so far, and although I am nearly out of breath, I am thankful for how the pieces which were once unintelligible beautifully fell into place.

Here is yet another email from my film professor. This is his reply to my Million Dollar Baby commentary:

Oh Louiie,

You get this about as well as anyone can. You see the artistry because you are capable of artistry yourself. Thank you for getting it! It just takes one student to really put it together on paper for me to feel adequate in leading the whole group (even after years of teaching that I sometimes wonder if students are "getting it". In each paragraph I see you gathering Ebert's depth of thought and in doing so making it your own. Bravo!

20/20 or 100/100 mean little to me compared to the abilities you should be able to soon apply to write your own reviews that may equal or better Ebert's. It can be done. I also look forward to reading your final career list.

Erik

Once upon a time, my mom told me that I was a good writer. But like a bad child, I ignored her. I ignored her because I couldn't recognize what was within me. Actually, it scares me a huge deal to see that other people see it too.

They see something that I cannot see when I look at myself. I shake my head, "Such a pity.".

Is there something wrong with me?